The Faceoff
by AlterCattus
Summary: THE GODS VS THE HOSTS! -maybe matches with the demigods in later chapters :D- Note: PURELY MADE FOR LAUGHS AND BOREDOM.
1. Chapter 1

**this is a crazy idea, but I like it :D I hope you'll like it, too ^^  


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**Gods vs Hosts Face-off: Assembling**

_-You arrived at a strange entrance and saw a girl-_

Me: Hello, there! Are you lost? Or did you really intend to click the link to witness this face-off? This is no game-show, mind you *grins* This is a match to the death between the gods and goddesses of Olympus and the hosts of Ouran Academy! This-- oops, where are my manners? Let me introduce myself properly. *clears throat* I am luckylyra827 and I will be the operator of this match. I assure you that this, my good friend, will be one of the greatest face-offs that I've sponsored! Now, if you don't mind, please sit on the chair up in the crow's nest that was especially built and designed for your entertainment.

_-After you've climbed up to the crow's nest-_

How is it? Can you see everything up there? It's only ten feet high and it's placed in the center of the battlefield, but you're protected, so don't worry. Oh, and you notice those buttons in there? Just push one if you need something. Popcorn, soda, binoculars, a videocam to capture the battles in action, it's all there in the push of a button!

Now, back to what I was saying… As you can see my friend, this face-off will be a tough one for our players, er, beloved gods and hosts. This will be a fight to the death! Hardships and difficult matches! Hard to beat opponents, and many more! I present you, people, the gods and goddesses of Olympus and the hosts of Ouran Academy!

_-cheering and applauses-_

*phone rings*

_-cheering and applauses stopped-_

Me: Wait a minute. *answers phone* Hello?…Eh? What do you mean you can't assemble them? You have to get them all! Major and minor! What? You're being chased by chicken horses? Those are pegasi, you moron! You've got to get them in here! The other group's already here! And the one with the glasses isn't happy! Why, you say? He said he's wasting time and missing profits! Now you go assemble them or else you'll--

You: Uh, excuse me… -taps my shoulder-

Me: *covers phone's speaker with my hand* Yes, my dear?

You: Which way is the bathroom?

Me: *stares at you* That way. *points to the left*

You: *goes to the left and leaves me yelling into my phone*

_-Moments later-_

Me: *pacing back and forth in front of you*

You: Uh…What's the problem?

Me: *looks at you sadly* They can't be captured…. *sobs*

You: Who?

Me: THE GODS! THEY'RE STUBBORN!

You: Eh, then I'll be out of--

*some guy bursts in the door*

Guy: THEY'RE CAPTURED, BOSS!

Me: *gasps* Seriously? The anti-god handcuffs worked?

Guy: Of course!

Me: And to think that it was an accident when I mixed that strange alloy with some strange alloy!

You: *looks at me weirdly*

Me: BRING THEM IN!

Me: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE FACE-OFF IS ON! LET US NOW SETTLE IN OUR SEATS, AND AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, THE FIRST MATCH WILL BEGIN!

*some bell rings*

Everyone: *looks up at the huge TV screen that says, 'CURFEW'*

Me: *sighs* BREAK TIME, EVERYBODY! We'll continue this match after I'm done with my curfew!

Audience: *groans and leaves reluctantly…except you*

Gods, Goddesses, and Hosts: Hey, what about us?

Me: *looks at them and grins evilly* You'll be imprisoned here until all matches are finished.

Zeus: *releases thunder and lightning at the walls*

Me: I wouldn't do that if I were you. This place is especially made for you, people. It's god-proof. Other than the audience and me, you people are unable to leave.

Kyoya: *dials his police force*

Me: And no one enters here other than me and the audience. In other words, I have all the power over you.

Hades: *starts to release a ball of black energy*

Me: You can't curse anyone either. *the black energy dissipates*

Gods, Goddesses, and Hosts: *groans in defeat*

Me: *turns to you* Now, let's get out of here. How does okonomiyaki sound?

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**and that is all for now :D tune in for the next gathering for the face-off! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**another short and boring chapter. I hope you like it, though :D

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Me: Welcome back to the match! I'm sorry for the cut-off last time, but I assure you that THAT, will never happen again--

Dionysius: Cut the crap, already! What the hell are we doing here?

Ares: Dionysius, don't be like that. Be nice to her. Like, YOU BETTER LET US LEAVE RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I'LL RUN YOU DOWN WITH WEAPONS.

Me: My, you gods certainly are energetic. You'll get out of here after you finish your own matches with the other group, so be patient and--

Ares: Well then, let us have our matches already!

Me: WILL YOU STOP IT? BREAK ME OFF ONE MORE TIME AND I SWEAR I'LL HAVE GOLDEN ICHOR DRIPPING ON THE FLOOR.

--silence--

Me: Now that we have settled, the matches will begin after I announce the rules.

Gods, Goddesses, and Hosts: RULES?

Me: Yes, rules. Every match has to have rules. Don't worry, the rules are simple. As you gods and goddesses now know, you can't struck your opponent dead. NO KILLING, NO CURSING OR GIVING YOUR OPPONENT A POMEGRANATE TO EAT…I'm looking at you, Hades. NO CHEATING, RESORTING TO DIRTY TRICKS AND METHODS IS PROHIBITED, AND NO HITTING ON EACH OTHER… Aphrodite and Kaoru, stop flirting with each other.

Kaoru: But I was just showing her my designs for fashion. And she wants me to do her hair…

Me: How proud you must be, but I don't think Ares is happy with that. And Hikaru is already sulking like Tamaki in the corner. He's mumbling about you leaving him for a goddess and stuff. Now, back to what I was saying… it seems those are the only rules. Other than those, you can do whatever you want. You win when you get a knock-out on your opponent, annoy or scare him or her until he or she leaves and cowers in the audience bleachers, or simply, have your opponent give up. Okay, now that the Hitachiin twins made up and are now showing us their brotherly act, let us move on to the first match! Let me see who's on the list. Oh, here we are! Zeus and Fujioka Haruhi!

--cheering--

Haruhi: Great, I'm first. I'll get out of this place as soon as I can. It's the last day of the supermarket sale.

Zeus: Let us get this lunacy over with.

Me: Sure, go to your slots first and make a grand entrance or something. Or just go to the battlefield.

--after a few moments--

Me: And as usual, Haruhi just simply walked into the arena, with no flower shower or something of the sort. And she said that Tamaki cheering her with drums and trumpets doesn't count.

--Zeus enters--

Me: And here's our ultimate baby-maker, the Lightning Lord, Zeus, making a grand entrance with a series of thunder rumbling and some lightning flashes! Oh, wait! Haruhi's already running for the exit! But it's locked! And there she runs and cowers in the bleachers of the audience! This is making it official! Zeus won before their match even started! I guess the first match goes to the immortal people of Olympus!

Tamaki, Hikaru, Kaoru, and Mitsukuni: That's not fair! Haruhi is afraid of thunder and lightning! And Zeus is the god of those! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Me: Sorry, but the who is the opponent of who is processed by draw-lots. It's just fair by the law of randomness. If you're not satisfied with that, ask Nemesis. Or better yet, ask a teammate.

Tamaki: OKAA-SAN!

Kyoya: She's right, Tamaki. It's just fair.

Me: And Tamaki, this is a good chance to comfort your 'daughter'. Hikaru, I suggest you take this chance.

Hikaru: Hey!

Tamaki: My daughter needs my comfort! Haruhi, don't worry! Daddy's coming for you!

Hikaru: No way in hell, Tono! I'll comfort her!

Kaoru: My brother's becoming a man! Ganbare, Hikaru!

Me: Oh, boy...

The stupid screen, blinking: FIRST MATCH ENDED. BREAK.

Me: The first battle was rather boring, don't you think? How about you freshen up first and replace your popcorn? The second match will start after our break. I'll see you later.

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**yes, yes, I know, IT'S FREAKING SHORT. I apologize for that. spare me the lectures. And I'm sorry for making this chapter boring... I'm not really into writing the battle of Haruhi and I don't have any idea of who'll be her opponent aside from Zeus. ah, well...laziness gets the better of me today... I hope you'll still tune in for the next chapter, though. ^^**


	3. Chapter 3

**the second match is here! Enjoy :D

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Me: And without further ado, let us now start the second match!

-cheering-

Me: Okay, and the second on the list are Hera and Takashi! Hm, how will these two battle? Let's find out!

-when Hera and Takashi are now in the arena-

Me: And they entered with no hesitation. Typical entrances… And Hera, as proud and boastful as she is, decided on a bragging contest! Well, it's a kind of 'top this one' contest, actually. She even ordered a coffee table and some tea for their match or something like that, she says. And as usual, Mori-senpai of the Ouran Academy just agreed. Oh, by the way, Mori-senpai…

-Takashi turns-

Me: Honey-senpai and his Usa-chan wished you good luck before he ran to the dessert table and started eating cake.

-Takashi just nods-

Me: Okay, let us now start the second match!

-a bell rings to mark the start of the match-

Hera (smirks): You know my dear young man, they don't call me the wife of Zeus for nothing. I'm powerful and I have four beautiful and powerful children from him. Do you know who they are?

Takashi: Ares, Hebe, Eileithyia, and Hephaestus.

Hera: Yes. My strong son, Ares. My ever so gentle daughter, Hebe. My protective daughter, Eileithyia. And my crafty and clever son, Hephaestus.

Hephaestus: Oh, cut the crap! You never loved me since I was born! You threw me over the battlements of heaven when I was born for Zeus' sake!

Hikaru: Eh? I thought Zeus was the one who threw you?

Hephaestus: Never believe altered mythology books, my boy.

Medusa: That's right! Don't ever believe that I dated Poseidon! He RAPED me in the temple of Athena! And I WAS THE ONE who got cursed! They don't know justice!

Other monsters: THAT'S RIGHT! THEY DON'T KNOW JUSTICE!

Poseidon and Athena: Hey!

Me: Hey, wait… WHY IN HELL ARE THERE MONSTERS WITHIN THE AUDIENCE?

Hitachiin Twins: Duh. Obviously, they want to see the Olympians get their immortal butts kicked.

Me: Right… Oh, and Medusa, we're living in the twenty-first century. And when we receive no justice in the twenty-first century, we call a lawyer.

Medusa: Do you want me to turn you into stone? Or is your brain already a rock? THEY'RE IMMORTAL!

Me: Well, yah. And so are you. You disintegrate when someone cuts off that pretty head of yours and reform after a while. You can sue them.

Medusa: And where will I find an immortal lawyer, hm?

Me: We have our goddess of justice, Nemesis.

Nemesis: I ain't a lawyer.

Me: Yah, whatever. Now, we'll resume to the match! Hera and Takashi are still staring at each other. Hera's first shot was bragging about her children. What will Takashi respond with?

Hera: He doesn't have any children. I win.

Takashi: You only had four from Zeus while he had many from other women. From what I have learnt, the percentage of all his children from various women are ninety-six percent while yours are a mere four percent.

Me: He's got a point.

-crowd nods-

Hera (furious): But those are demigods! They DIE. My children with him are immortal!

Hermes, Apollo, Artemis, Persephone, Aphrodite, Dionysius, Athena, the Horae, and the other immortal children of Zeus: EHEM.

Takashi: Well, what do you say to them? They're immortal.

Hera: Fine. Okay, so what if my husband doesn't keep his hands to himself-

Me (mutters): More like penis…

Zeus: Watch it, human.

Me (sings): _Anti-god location~~~._

Someone from the monsters and audience: Nice one.

Me: Thanks. Okay, enough extras and let's continue the match.

-after a few bragging sessions-

Me: Okay, people. I think Hera's on her end of the line. She has no more things to brag about. She used the apples of Hesperides, but Takashi countered it by saying that Paris didn't give an apple to her because she is not 'the fairest', she also bragged about driving Hercules mad, but Takashi also had a comeback to that, and she bragged about many more things but he countered all of them. What is she gonna do?

Hera: Wait! Why am I the only one bragging? Isn't he supposed to brag, too?

Me: Technically, you're the boastful one and he's the humble one. All he does is counter what you've thrown to him. And by my rules, he can do just that because that is a form of annoying you. And when you are at your end of the rope like now, and you succumb to his method of beating you, you lose. It's completely fair and square.

Hera (to Takashi): Will you brag? It seems like I'm the only one who's proud of the things that I have!

Takashi: You don't have anything to brag about, anymore?

Me: Mori-senpai's awfully talkative today, folks. Maybe he's sleepy?

-Takashi nods-

Me: I thought so. But you won't sleep until your match is finished. Now, continue.

Hera: Just like I said, don't you have anything to brag about? I've bragged from the things about my children to the fact that my husband, Zeus, makes love to up to thirty women within ten years, and you just sat there, sipping your tea and countered the things I've told you about. Aren't you surprised that my husband falls in love with approximately thirty women within ten years? Or are you really stone-faced?

Takashi: You want me to be surprised by that fact? From the lessons and books that I've learnt in mythology books and Greek classes, I'm not surprised by that. How about this, for astonishment?

You see my cousin at the dessert table?

-Honey-senpai waves with his Usa-chan-

-Hera nods-

Takashi: You see him eating every bite-sized cupcake in all those trays?

-Hera nods again-

Takashi: You're worried about his weight and teeth, aren't you?

Hera: Who wouldn't be? I'm a mother and if your cousin was my son, I'd call dentists and nutritionists everywhere.

Takashi: Well, don't be. That guy can eat up to thirty whole cakes in a day.

-Hera and the other Olympians, the monsters, and the other Greek people gasps-

Hera: SERIOUSLY?

Takashi: And at weekends, he eats up to forty.

Hera and some Olympians: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Takashi: It's not. He ate the whole four feet cake at our aunt's wedding.

Me and you: COOL!

Hera: That's absurd!

Me: Better believe it, Hera. I've seen that guy go from cute loli-shota boy to cake-craving monster in three days of prohibition of sweets. If you don't believe it, ban the world from producing cakes and sweets, and you'll see.

Hera (groans): I give up. I like my opponent better if he doesn't brag, thank you.

-Olympians groan and the monsters cheer-

Me: Well, there you have it, people. Hera gave up. She ran out of things to brag about. I guess the second match goes to the hosts of Ouran Academy! They're even, now! One point for each group! And the-

Stupid screen: SECOND MATCH ENDED. BREAK.

Me: Who the fuck is controlling that stupid screen? Can you tell him that he ought to let me finish talking, first?

A person from the staff: Yes, ma'am.

Me (sighs): I guess that's it, people. Break time… go get a new batch of popcorn quickly if you want to witness the third match. This face-off will be something awesome, I guarantee. Not like the first two that we had…. What are you staring at? Go take a break, now!

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**it's awful, isn't it? yah, I kinda got lazy in writing these days... sorry... the third match will be... I dunno... but I hope you'll tune in for it! :D**


	4. SORRY

hey there, my dear readers. I was planning to update my stories during my summer break but I was unable to because of some... unfortunate events. My laptop died recently. I know I'm not supposed to make this an excuse (I know it's unreasonable and stupid) but I tried. I wrote at least one chapter for each of my stories but my laptop went bonkers (for the nth time) and died. My laptop has been dropped by my dad two years ago just several days after it got purchased and it started going bonkers after the incident. I'm quite thankful that it still lasted two years because I wouldn't have imagined it surviving that long, but it happened. And in those two years, I wrote my first chapter of an attempt on writing fanfiction and continued writing, had my scripts for school projects written, made countless videos for school projects, typed and researched my torture of an Investigatory Project, had it save me from low grades by having it rush my papers, downloaded lots of programs/videos/softwares/pictures/and random stuff, had saved my ass from school researches and had my life revolve around it. It was a precious laptop (my bestfriend). But alas, its time came, taking all my beloved files with it. I know it's officially dead because I had it "hospitalized" (yeah, I'm treating it as a person) several times and it still continued on dying slowly (cancer? lol). So, I will try to at least salvage my files from my deceased friend and had it temporarily stored in my family's computer (with no Internt connection :C ) until I move on and find a new bestfriend (which, in other words, until I save up for a new laptop). So I guess I'll still be the slowpoke writer. I'm really sorry, guys. I know I've left you hanging and disappointed, and I understand if you flame me and unfollow my stories. I just hope that you can find it in your heart to understand my situation. With my Junior year coming with torturous subjects (like Geometry, Analytic Geometry, Chemistry, and Physics) in less than two weeks, I don't have time to write again for a long time. But I promise you, when I have time and a space in Internet shops (and I successfully salvaged my files), I will update to your heart's content. Thank you for reading this :)

-luckylyra827


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